She froze, barely aware of who or where she was at the moment, or how long this would take, or how it all would end.
The chemotherapy made Trisha increasingly tired and nauseated. For the most part, she felt too depleted to call her friends and family to talk about her conditionwhat good would it do, anyway? But every night, she developed a depressed insomnia around 1 a.m., which more often than not resulted in a call to James (who apparently never slept). He would listen to her rant about how shitty life was treating her. Then his firm folded, rendering him as acutely miserable as she.
So James came up with a plan. Im usually the last one to try to make things happy, he jeered, but I remember you saying you never been to Coney Island. Its a good time of year to go. And they didnt even have to wait for the weekend, since neither had anyplace to be.
Trisha broke away to wheeze for a minute and then returned to say yes, wondering if she had the strength.
She wondered even more when the day they chose, Thursday, dawned a little bit cold, a little bit wet.
God, and its freaking May, Trisha said to no one in particular as she walked, at a crawling pace, to the subway. Even so, she was out of breath; according to her latest CAT scan, she had at least a liter of fluid around one of her lungs. As an elderly black woman passed her, hearing the outburst, she mumbled, Mmm-hmm.
Trisha made her way down to the large, dark wooden benches in the center of the subterranean station and caught a train that she rode deep into Brooklyn. When she got to his stop, she yelled Jamess name out the train door, some 20-odd feet from where she saw him sitting.
Yo! she said, happy to see him. Lets go.
Trisha smiled when she got a good look at him. He looked like a little kid dressed in his favorite articles of clothing: pulled-down Yankees cap, blue-mirrored sunglasses, a Nathans Hot Dogs T-shirt covered by a thin jacket, jeans frayed at the bottoms, and flip-flops revealing gnarled, fungus-covered toenails.
He looks almost sexy, she mused. Whats wrong with me? Is it hormones?
Hey, he muttered and held out his hand for a high-five.
So whats there to see at this place, anyway, James? Trisha asked.
Oh god, like, a ton, he said. Theres the Cycloneyou know the Cyclone, right?
Trisha shook her head.
Then James had to shake his. Dude, theres even a Brooklyn baseball team called the Cyclones. Didnt you ever wonder where that came from?
Trisha shook her head slowly.
This roller coasters like, I dont know, maybe a hundred years old. Its wooden. Its a trip. There are other rides at Astroland, thats the amusement park part of it, and, like, arcades, and sometimes stuff like the Mermaid Parade, and, like, hot dog eating contests at Nathans. But the Cyclone, thats the shit.
Wow. You seem so happy.
James shrugged. I love Da Isle, he said.
The car came above ground, and Trisha squinted into the sun to watch Brooklyn through the windows, smiling at dirt-caked signs and crumbling buildings straight out of a Seventies crime drama. A black boy in the next seat over peered out, too, whipping his head back and forth as he read Avenue U. Avenue U. Avenue U. off the signs in a station. His younger brother, or friend or neighbor, hopped up to join him, repeating the phrase in unison without seeming to know what it meant. Then the car slowed and the boys jumped up to be first at the door, and Trisha knew they had reached Coney Island.
Trisha glanced at her watch. Eleven oclock, as the sky could have told her, since it had finally reported to its job of baking the earth. She pulled down her sunglasses against the glare and zippered her purple fleece coat, then shivered and drew it to her.
They stepped onto the grimy wooden boardwalk and were at once bombarded with vendors hawking cotton candy and knock-off Yankees shirts to the off-season visitors. To their right, a few stragglers, looking for driftwood, walked the bottle- and bag-littered beach. Up on the wooden boardwalk, several deeply sunburned, shaggy-haired men with ballooning belliesthey might have been brothersmade little effort to restrain their hyperactive offspring. Wow, Trisha muttered. Despite the biting ocean breeze, her cheeks burned. Something, sand maybe, stuck inside her lungs, and despite all the coughing, she couldnt get it out.
James happily inhaled the gritty air. First things first, he said. Dogs.
He made a beeline for Nathans; Trisha lagged far behind. Up ahead, James stomped up and expertly pushed his way through the clamoring crowd, held up two fingers and yelled, chili cheesewinning his food as the cavemen once had, via intimidation. A profusely sweating employee obliged more quickly than seemed possible. Holding both plastic boats in one large paw, James pushed his way to the condiment bar and smothered the contents in ketchup and mustard, as Trisha tried to get in a word.
Not so much ketchup for me, she saidtoo late.
Oh. James turned, eyebrows raised. Did you want one?
Thats okay, Ill do it. Trisha blushed and started toward the counter. A moment later, she heard James call back that he was kidding. She joined him on a whitened wooden bench by the sea. Trisha picked up the overflowing, soggy bun. Some of the beany chili and then the dog itself slithered back into the paper cocoon. Got a fork? she asked, and James fished one out. Dont say I never gave you nothin, he announced.
Thanks. With a thin and therefore insufficient napkin, she gingerly brought the hot dog to her lips, careful to confine the sandwich to the area over the flimsy cardboard. Mmm. She ate quickly, and listened, hypnotized, as a man with an Arabic accent attempted to sell a real good bike to everyone who passedand occasionally to Trisha and James, who ignored him.
So what is there to do now? Trisha asked breathlessly, as she daintily ate her dog.
Thats it for you? One?
Girls got to mind her figure, Trisha said. Shed lost twenty pounds lately that she couldnt afford. James raised his eyebrows at her.
James threw his left arm out from his side, inadvertently hitting Trisha as she brought the last chili-drenched bite to her face; simultaneously, the wind whipped at the polyester scarf she wore over her wig. She reached up reflexively, a tic shed developed. She would never quite get used to the wig, or become comfortable not wearing it. Goddamn it, she said.
Why dont you just take the damn wig off? James said.
I dont know what youre going to do at the Cyclone, then.
Trisha frowned, fretted, but decided she would figure that out later.
Occupying a place of honor at the outskirts of the park sat the rickety wooden roller coaster, a patriotic landmark given its red, white and blue paint. Trisha eyed the slats and, when she thought no one was looking, dug her fingernails into the wood to test its sponginess. She was not reassured.
Above them, the giant creaked. James continually bounced up and down on the balls of his feet in anticipation. Ahead of them, in the good-sized line, several teenaged couples were making out. At first Trisha smiled at them, rooting for the guys and girls who probably never got the chance to do that during the week, until things turned grabby. Kids these days, Trisha muttered under her breath. She felt old. And envious. Anger welled inside her, but James didnt notice the knuckles at her side, and as always, she willed herself to look at the bright side. She was here, alive, outside.
They reached the cashier, an old woman who took their money with a toothless grin. A sign behind her warned passengers to keep hold of all belongings, since things like sunglasses often fell off in flight. As James and Trisha made their way back and forth in a snaking line, like cows on their way to the slaughterhouse, Trisha wasnt sure why she was shivering. Was it the temperature or her dignity that had her upset?
Sighing, she pulled off her hair and then extremely quickly replaced the scarf on her scalp. She tied it tight, knotted it, and put her hair into her purse, which she promptly zipped up.
James clapped. All right, he said loudly, making supportive hooting noises.
And then there was no escape: They had reached the front of the line. Trisha squeezed in first, and James followed her. When he got in, his leg touched hers. She scooted over but then fell forward as the car jolted and began to click-click-click its way up a very tall hill.
Even before it reached the top, Trisha screamed. The thought crossed her mind that maybe it was like watching a horror movie, that the anticipation might be worse than the fall. It had to be that way. Didnt it?
But that was not the case. When the car began its rapid descent, Trisha shrunk into James, looking for protection. She froze, barely aware of who or where she was at the moment, or how long this would take, or how it all would end.
Excerpted with permission from Enter Sandman, published by McWitty Press, New York (www.mcwittypress.com), copyright © 2004 by Stephanie Williams.
EXCERPT: Enter Sandman page
Writing For Her Life
In the September/ October 1999 Gazette, Stephanie Williams C92 wrote a funny and honest essay about what did and didnt make her envious when reading Alumni Notes and her own ambition to one day write a novel. It concluded: Sometimes, I realize how happy I am to be what I am. Sometimes, I have a fit of jealousy that reminds me to challenge myself to do something Note-worthy. If and when the day comes when I attain that goal and write that blasted book, you may well hear about itwhether you want to or not.
The accompanying story by Caroline Hwang C91 tells how Williams did manage to achieve her goal, despite the breast cancer that killed her this summer, with the publication of her novel Enter Sandman. In this excerpt, the books main character, Trisha Portman, terminally ill with cancer, visits Coney Island with James, a gifted artist driven by guilt and thoughts of suicide, who becomes her last, best friend.J.P.
by Marion Spirn; photo by Nancy Marchetta.